stuff-that-sucks-about-job-hunting

The job ads. Who writes those things? Really people, if I was a "rockstar" I wouldn't be looking for a sales job. I'd be hanging out in my room sized jacuzzi drinking Cristal like it's water. So stop with the "If you aren't a rockstar don't bother applying" bit. I didn't apply. Not because I'm inadequate in the rockstar department, but because I can't imagine working for anybody that takes that drivel seriously.

Headhunters and Recruiters There are some good ones out there, but not many. What is the deal with making me call you just so you can grill me on my resume for 5 minutes and then tell me you don't have anything for non-cleared people. What about my resume even hints at the possibility that I have a security clearance? I'm sorry if you are lonely - don't waste my time hinting at a job opportunity where none exists. I'm all about networking, and happy to chat with anybody for 5 minutes on the chance that we can someday help each other. But at least be upfront, because a lie is no way to start a relationship.

Phantom Jobs I keep seeing the same jobs getting renewed on various job boards. Jobs I'm qualified for. In some cases, jobs that are right in my wheelhouse. Yet I can't get an interview, or even a thanks for playing email. Even if I'm not the ideal candidate, you would think I rate a first interview if I'm close and you are still still desperately seeking candidates 3 weeks later. It sort of makes you wonder what they are doing with all the resumes.

Lack of Response I don't expect a reply to my resume. Companies are getting 100s of resumes to every opening. The auto-reply that confirms my resume made it to an inbox is good enough. However, if you do reply and we have a conversation or two, it's downright unprofessional and rude to just drop off without closing out the conversation. If I'm not your guy, fine. Take 30 seconds to write the email to tell me that.

Further, there is simply no excuse for the lack of response when I have an internal referral. Not only is disrespectful to me, it is disrespectful to the internal employee that referred me. HR is your job. Try relating to some humans, ok? If the job is not being filled, tell me that. If it's already filled, tell me. If I'm not qualified? You get the idea.

Also, if you takes you 3 months to hire somebody, you are not a cutting edge, progressive, fast moving company. You are a dinosaur, and we all know what happened to the dinosaurs.

Lack of Respect for my time If you schedule an interview with me, based on times you suggested, you damn well better be ready and willing to focus on our conversation when I call. Don't pass me off to a new sales manager who has never seen my resume, had 30 seconds notice he was interviewing me, and doesn't give a damn anyway because every new sales manager is looking to clean house and bring in his own cronies, so he's not hiring someone he didn't hand pick.

Corporate job sites Corporate recruiting sites suck. There is no polite way to put it. They look like they were designed by drunk monkeys randomly flinging poo at a computer screen, and the data entry screens were all lined up with the poo marks. There has got to be a business opportunity to build a decent job board for corporate sites. Two or three main players seem to dominate the space, yet not one of them has thought of making it possible to save my info and reuse it across all their customers. I've filled out the exact same form from the exact same provider 30 or 40 times now.

Unrealistic Expectations I'm not going to work commission only for 90 days to prove myself, just so you can say I didn't sell anything, and then follow up on my pipeline yourself. If your goal is to hire dumb people, that scheme may work. Also, there are no (legal) sales jobs with a $30K base and OTE of $150K in year 1. Likewise, nobody is going to cold call their way to $3 million in consulting sales in year 1. Further, if I ask you about the comp plan, don't say "It's complicated." That is usually code for, "I don't understand it, but I do know you'll get hosed in the end."

Gah. My best opportunities for jobs right now all came from my network. I'm really wondering why I even bother applying for jobs where I don't have an in. It's such a waste a time, and I suspect 80% of these alleged jobs will never be filled.

BTW, every example above has either happened to me in the last 3 weeks, or is a composite of experiences I've had in the past. None of this is made up