Last week The New York Times posted a ridiculous article titled 27 Ways to Be a Modern Man. We had fun mocking it on Facebook, but why stop there? This is 2015 and we are on the Internet. I can make the article better.
1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.
When the modern man needs to know his spouse's shoe size, he simply looks in her (or his) closet.
2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.
The modern man isn't afraid of his emotions, and gets help if he needs it.
3. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.
The modern man doesn't eat movie theater popcorn. That shit will kill you.
4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.
The modern man doesn't frequent restaurants that serve fatty or charred steaks.
5. The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines.
The modern man doesn't frequent places that require 10 minutes to find a parking spot.
6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.
The modern man understands the concept of personal responsibility and that actions (or lack thereof) have consequences. But he'll still cover for his spouse, because he isn't stupid.
7. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.
The modern man doesn't drink canned sugar water, and if he does stock up for guests, he buys to their preferences.
8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.
The modern man understands that nobody likes a pompous ass.
9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.
The modern man learns new stuff from his son and daughter, and spouse, and neighbor, and bartender...
10. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.
The modern man has owned a dishwasher for 30+ years.
11. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.
The modern man said the same thing about MySpace and Facebook.
12. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out.
The modern man doesn't use over scented cheap bar soap.
13. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.
The modern man outgrew caring about what people think of his musical taste at about age 22.
14. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone.
The modern man saves 15 minutes a week using the store's shopping app that builds the list in order of the store aisles, insuring he doesn't make a second trip to pick up all the shit he forgot.
15. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.
The modern man doesn't wear shoes in the house.
16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.
The modern man has never once considered proximity to theoretical intruder when deciding which side of the bed to sleep on.
17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?
The only uni-tasker in the Modern Man's kitchen is a fire extinguisher.
18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.
The modern man has never, ever thought about buying a shoehorn.
19. The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry.
The modern man has more originality than to fall back on the flower trope every time.
20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.
The modern man from above that never lets on that he is down and now apparently wallows alone is on his way to depression, addiction, or both?
21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.
Who would scold their daughter for sneezing, and why does the modern man think this makes him special?
22. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.
The modern man gets his news from Twitter.
23. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time).
The modern man quit buying plastic discs years ago.
24. The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it.
The modern man has a spare battery in his bag and a fast charger in the car.
25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.
So the modern man is paranoid enough to pick his side of the bed based on delusional fears of an intruder, yet he would never own a gun? Right......
26. The modern man cries. He cries often.
Is this same modern man from above that never shows he is having a bad day? This guy is schizophrenic, isn't he?
27. People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.
The modern man is not 14, and would never refer to a song as "his jam."